My first love
was some insignificant boy
when it should have been
I have grown the most after having done terrible things. Not after making “mistakes”, but after doing truly awful things that made me question who I was as a person, things that I never thought I would, things that completely breached my moral and ethical code. It was only after doing these awful things that I realized who I was, who I wanted to be. It was only then that I was finally brave enough to forgive and accept myself and move forward. It humbled me. It gave me a renewed sense of kindness, awareness, and direction. It reminded me that we, as humans, change all the time, and that I will surely change again. It gave me clarity and newfound depth. It gave me confidence to know that I was more resilient than I had ever thought, and assured me that nothing is ever lost. It showed me how actions and identity are interrelated and distinct from eachother at the same time. It taught me that life is a process, it is not linear, and what are typically perceived as “set backs” are actually just opportunities to get to know yourself better. It taught me how to navigate. It taught me how to persevere. It made me more interesting, and still, more relatable. It gave me hope. It made me love more and hate less. It made me a better friend and confidant. Doing terrible things truly made me a better person. And I have no regrets.
I do believe that I am in love with a great deal of things. A lot of moments, a lot of spaces, a lot of air.
If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery—isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you’ll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you’re going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight there is.